i just am tired.

i love the shock factor. well, sort of, like it.

people stop me in target or in the mall or in the parking lot: "are they all YOURS??"
or, "oh my. you really have your hands full."
or, "how old ARE they?"
or, "that is my nightmare!"

my patience runs a little thin for these kind of comments. um, people. my kids are standing right in front of you. and, they have ears. they are not a nightmare. they are precious. and, i love them. and, I (well, we...my husband and i) chose to have them all. they are all wanted and loved.

but, i've also often gotten compliments like:
"you have a gorgeous family."
"you are SO lucky!"
"your children are amazing."
"they are so well-spoken."

we have our days. at the end of some days, i feel completely exhausted, worn out, with nothing left to give. i try to do laundry all day to only have one load finished and half-folded (because i've folded the same pile 3 times after my two yr old keeps plowing through it or 'helps' fold himself) with 4 more loads to go.

many nights there are still enough crumbs under the table to make a whole plate of food.  and, i finally get a shower after i put everyone to bed even though i worked out at 9:00 in the morning.

but, this is the life i chose for myself. and it is a very happy life.

charlie stops many days and says "mommy, you are beautiful!" or zeke climbs into my lap and says "i wuv oo, mommmmy!" and, mylie daily makes amazing drawings or notes for me with "i love you mommy" across the top.

as charles and i laid in bed last night, we were talking and he was saying how kids crave someone to look up to. and it should be their parents. they need us to love them unconditionally. they need us to offer love, not control or rigidity.  they need us to be willing to let life be messy in order for them to feel loved.

what is a win for me as a parent? that at the end of the day, or a season, or their childhood, that we have an amazing relationship. that they trust me with their whole heart. that each one of them can and do talk to me about any and everything going on in their life.

not that they are perfect.

so, in the meantime, i'm tired. but, it will all be worth it in the end.

our family theme song is "you've got a friend in me" from toy story. whenever anyone feels sad, we sing it. as for me, and my house, will all be friends. forever.

saved from 911

today was that kind of day.

the kind of day where i should have had to call 911. twice.

and not just for semi-big things. for things that could have--and should have--taken out my two sons.

the morning started off as usual. loud. boisterous. lots of activity. playing, fighting, & playing again.

as i juggled what felt like trying to do 47 things (put sophia down for a nap, keep the boys from fighting, cooking dinner ahead of time, sending a few semi-urgent emails, & cleaning up from breakfast), the children did their normal.

then we started to get ready to go to the pool. charlie was standing in the hall playing with a ball and all of a sudden i heard the loudest noise. i ran over and miracle #1 occurred. charlie was standing their uninjured while on the floor was a very large frame that had shattered.

here's the miracle: the frame shattered. and somehow the glass was completely in tact and charlie stood there unharmed. where he was, how it fell, it could of (and should of) sliced open his head and broke into hundreds of pieces on top of him.

i'm so thankful.

we continued to get ready to go to the pool. first time of the season. everyone is so excited. i'm slightly frazzled (thank the Lord grandma came over to help and go with us) trying to get everyone's suits, sunscreen, towels, changes of clothes, extra diapers, pack our lunch...

we FINALLY get there. get everyone undressed. get out all the pool toys and get in. the baby pool, that is.

and, we start having a blast! everyone is having a great time. i am sitting on the edge, dipping sophia in on the edge and i look up to see zeke face down in the pool about 2 feet from me. i freak and yell and dive for him while holding sophia up. and grab him up. somehow he couldn't get his little feet under him to stand up.

it took him a few seconds (or maybe a second, but it felt like forever) to breathe, but when he did. when he did. i cannot express the relief. he coughed, then almost threw up, then cried. and i cried. and grandma cried. and, i didn't let him go the rest of the time.

and, again, i'm so so grateful.

its only for the grace of God. He, in His goodness & graciousness, kept us today.

i felt like a horrible, no good mom. i cried many tears today. but, i sit in the quietness and stillness of my bedroom, grateful. so glad i serve a God who is bigger than me. and a God that covers my failures.

mommy's grace.

your amazing child

we couldn't take another rainy day inside.  after yesterday--rearranging furniture, watching way more movies than we ever have, and building & coloring, we HAD to do something different today.

thankfully, i had a livingsocial voucher to Kidzu Kid's Museum in my arsenal of "fun-things-for-us-to-do-this-summer".  i called up the grandparents who are here visiting for a couple of weeks to alert them of our change in plans and we loaded up (because that is what you do with 4 children) and headed out.

thankfully, having been a mom for almost 6 years now, i knew that a fun place like this would be PACKED on a day like this...so i was not shocked when we got there. and i embraced the chaos.

my kids have never been to kidzu before. they were captivated as soon as the walked through the door...immediate fun hits you as you walk in.

since we had the grandparents with us, we were able to divide and conquer.  as i stood in the middle of Kidzu constantly scanning, trying to make sure all my kids were safe and having fun, it hit me. i was amazed.

this was my "aha moment": they ("they" being my little ones) are all so different.

okay, so that really is a no-brainer. you watch your child every day. they are amazing. every child plays differently, communicates in their own unique way, has different likes & dislikes.

but, as i watched, it hit me all over again. my oldest is so creative and artsy. everything she does & says is so creative & funny.  she sat at their two different art stations decorating ties for her daddy & making a fairy room, complete with carpet, wallpaper, and flowers & feathers.

my second oldest spent the entire time at their Gravitron Construction Zone, building & constructing a tube path on their huge magnetic wall for a ball to come down.

my third played happily going from center to center and spent about 15-20 minutes in each place working through the activities, enjoying himself fully & moving on.

my youngest just jumped in one of our arms just glad to be there watching it all. (i mean, what else would an 8 month old do, really?) :)

your child is amazing. they are a little person with their own thoughts, feelings, joy, & sadness, their own understandings. i've got 4 of them. they are all amazing. they are all different. they are all wonderful.

they ("they" being your little ones) add so much to the world. and, they are yours.

you are the perfect parent for your child. you may not be perfect...i know i'm not, but you are perfect for them. perfect to love them. perfect to know them. perfect to help them grow.

happy hearts

For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double- edged sword...” (Hebrews 4:8-12)

There are a few words that over the past years I have tried to eliminate from my vocabulary. The two that try to most often slip out are “busy” & “overwhelmed.” To be honest, most days I have quite a few moments of feeling overwhelmed. Whether it’s 3 dirty diapers in a 10 minute span (or at the same time!), being on an important call & a fight breaks out, or the husband & two oldest trying to leave and we can’t find shoes, keys, coats, etc.


But, everyone understands busy, right? Who isn’t busy?

Having four sweet ones five years old & under, we don’t ever stop. I (and we! thank the Lord for my amazing husband...) are constantly mediating, entertaining, jumping through sprinklers, being a fellow artist or colorer, puzzle-doing, berry picking, dancing, cooking, cleaning, wiping...you know...you're there too. (And, we do actually have jobs too. smile. wink. happy face.)


Even at night. Lately, the 3 youngest tag team (wink) so we find ourselves up 6 times a night. Although we would love to sleep, we wouldn’t change our children for anything! 

All of this to say, our life is full. And, sometimes we get caught up in it all. We just run from thing to thing, event to event, moment to moment, & forget to slow down. Forget to breathe.


In the above verse, it is clear that God has a special rest for us, a “Sabbath-rest”. A rest from our work “just as God did from his.” And, the very next verse starts talking about the power of the Word of God. It has become clear to me how to enter that rest. Do you see the connection?


Take time today to seek Him. For your sake & for your family.  Our children need to know  how to rest. We all know what it’s like to be “busy” & “overwhelmed.” But, let’s not just rid these from our vocabulary. Let’s rid it from our hearts & carry God’s rest with us everywhere, all the time. 

so full

i'm sitting here in the middle of several loads of laundry and i had to pause to take it all in.

as i just finished a mixed load and piled it on the floor, i sat down beside it & started folding. i pull out my husband's jeans from nordstrom, then my charlie's lightning mcqueen underwear from target, then my zekey's snowman fleece footie pjs from children's place, i was overtaken with such happiness. they are so amazing & different. different styles, different likes, different things that make them who they are.

earlier today, i looked at charlie, and i said, "i love you, my boy." he looked back at me and said with such sincerity, "i love you, my mommy."

later, i was sitting feeding sophia and she looked up and smiled at me. then i got a text from my charles saying, "love your beautiful face...daydreaming about it."

every mom needs days like this. it is God reaching into my world of usual-utter-beautiful-chaos and saying "i see you. you are important to me & to your family. i love you."

most days are like yesterday. i have a list several pages long of things i need to get done. the husband is at work. the children are rebelling against nap. after getting them calm, i sit to feed the overly tired, hungry baby girl fully expecting her to take a long delicious nap, but instead she falls asleep in my arms and cries every time i lay her down. after 2.5 hours & 8 tries, i'm utterly frustrated & then i hear my boys wake up. i didn't get a single thing done & then i remember the meat that i need to cook for dinner is still in the deep freezer. ug. by that time, baby girl is so exhausted, every time i set her down she screams like someone is hurting her, very badly. when i was at the last straw, my knight walked in the door and swept little girl into his arms and took her to the grocery store to complete one thing on my list for me.

that is what most days are like, for me. there is grace in them, but they are stretching & challenging. and, i have been so stretched lately that i barely have time to shower, let alone blog (that's where i have been).

then, there are days like this where every look from my children makes my eyes tear up with joy. they really are such gifts. i was entrusted with these four gorgeous faces, strong wills to shape, & little bodies to love until they explode with love on others.

our verse to memorize with the kids for this week is: revelation 4:11 "you are worthy, our Lord & God, to receive glory & honor & power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created & have their being." He is worthy. in my hardest moments when i think my soul is collapsing & in my highest moments. He created me, He knows me, He has me. and, He created these beautiful souls that look at me and call me 'mommy.' they make me who i am. i am what i am today because of them. they make me better. they make me stronger. they make me more loving. and, for that, i love them & Him all the more.

these moments of complete joy & satisfaction don't happen very much, especially in the midst of folding laundry. but, today, as in rains outside & i have coffee, and as i fold laundry, i couldn't be happier.

complete love

for those of you who are memorizing with us: week 4:

1 john 4:12 "No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us & His love is made complete in us."

i currently am looking down at the sweet angelic face of my dear tiny girl. she has some of the fairest skin i've ever seen, blonde hair, & blue eyes. she has sweet chubby cheeks, & her smile & dimple can melt any heart.

but that is not how i felt earlier. she has her first official cold & can't breathe very well. she has been awake for the vast majority of the last several nights & didn't nap all morning. by 2pm (after she had been constantly screaming most of the day), i was feeling a tinge of exasperation.

especially after a pb rash outbreak, poopy diaper, & a pee accident (that seemed as though someone poured a 2L soda bottle all over the carpet) that all happened simultaneously as we were minutes (even seconds) from nap time. meanwhile, tiny one was screaming like someone was plucking her toes off...a desperate, piercing scream without taking a breath.

after no sleep, i felt like i was at the end of my rope. i practiced my "thank you's" (from last week) & the rope was extended a bit further, but not by much.

by 3pm i got my sophie-girl to finally go to sleep & i had exactly 20 minutes before my zekey woke up.

but you know, my love is what shows my children what God is like. i so wish i loved them perfectly. i want them to know God.

but, because i want the to know God, i love them. and, i love my husband. as i love, God does his deep work & his love becomes more complete.

complete love is not something that you can put into words, but it is something we can feel. we know if our husband loves us completely. we know if our friends love us completely. we know if our own moms & dads love us completely.

our children know if we love them completely. and that love will be their picture of God's love.

as we put off our momentary wants and needs to choose love, we make God bigger to our littles. and a bigger God makes life much better than we can imagine. for them AND for us.

what about me?

week 3: psalm 107:1 "give thanks to the Lord for he is good. his love endures forever."

as i wrote last week, intentional mommy-ing, we have the ability to help form our babies...their thoughts, their actions, their patterns.

but, as adults, we also have the ability to change the way we think.

sometimes, i look at my life, and think "what have i done?" not like in the deep sense "what have i done with my life that makes a difference?" but more of a "oh my goodness. what was i thinking having 4 little humans in 5 years?"

don't get me wrong. i love my life. and, i definitely love my children more than life. more than my life. i have to. if i don't, my soul would die.

when i was single (& even newly married), i could do anything i wanted. i mean ANYTHING. it is crazy to me now...don't feel like cooking "let's go to dinner!" or sitting on the couch & decide "let's go see a movie!" and jump up and do it. or call a friend & just go over to their house. no sitters, no forethought, no packing snacks or extra diapers. any hour of the day.

now, i can't even imagine it. did i really use to live like that?

but, as i've been mommy-ing for 5 years (not long at all...but having a 5 year old is different than a baby, for sure), i know that being thankful is a key to getting you through.

up all night with a baby who can't breathe? "thank you, Lord, that i can hold my child in my arms. and, thank you, for a baby is normally healthy."

have a child who throws a fit in the mall & embarrasses the heck out of you? "thank you, Lord, for a child who can think & make decisions about what he wants (even though its making me crazy right now)."

bedtime routine is taking forever one particular night? "thank You, that we have beds to put our children in & toothbrushes & books." (soooo many don't, even around the corner, so this in particular always changes me.)

thankfulness changes my attitude. "give thanks to the Lord for he is good. his love endures forever."

and, as i am thankful, it changes my heart. as my heart changes, i can endure just a little longer with whatever scenario is demanding all of my strength. and, as that happens, my love grows. and, i can see into the heart of God just a wee bit more.

after all, he is constantly doing that for me. "his love endures forever."