to know you

i think i've hit my capacity. yes, all things are possible in Christ. i could do more. but 5 "sweet" little voices yelling my name, pulling on me, fighting each other, needing help for 12 hours a day makes for a fairly full day. (never mind the fact that i actually need to cook for them, clean for them, and make sure they have clean things to wear...)

but...yet.

today i found myself wondering what it would be like to have more.  some people have asked me "are you a glutton for punishment?"  i would like to think that i'm a "glutton" for grace. there is nothing like being in the grace (of God, that is).  if you have never felt that, you need to. there is a help that is literally extraordinary (out of this world, extra-ordinary). most days...i struggle to find it. i get lost in the yells for fresh underwear and needing wiped and the spilled water (about 10 times a day...literally...it's my 2-year-old's favorite...to dump water on her head or the floor) and the baby's explorations into every drawer.  but, oh the grace. to find it (by looking for and to God in every situation)...there is nothing like it.

but, back to wanting more. why would i want more? besides the grace. besides the love i receive from them. what is it drawing me?

and then all of a sudden, as i was driving my oldest back from a performing arts camp, as she was rattling on and on about the production tonight, it hit me.  it's the amazing gift of knowing them.  the discovery of each of my children is unparalleled.

they are amazing souls. they are so different than me. i can see glimpses of me in each of them. but, they are so different. so incredible. so likable. so amazing.

when i actually take the time to really listen. when i look into their beautiful eyes and study their amazing features. when i hear their heart. listen through their tears. their souls are so beautiful and represent the God that made them so intricately and perfectly.

my oldest is lovable and cautious and so artistic in every way. she is compassionate and strong. she won't go down without a fight, but is the most tender of a flower.

the next boy is strong and loves boundaries.  he is not afraid to confront anyone who crosses into the territory of safety for his siblings. he stands for anything and everything he believes in, but he is pensive and kind and will give up what he wants for any one of his siblings. he opens his arms to his two year old sister as she backs her little hiney down onto his lap.

the most middle boy is always up for a joke. he has played jokes on the family before he could speak sentences. he giggles throughout movies. he laughs at his siblings. his smile is endearing and his eyes sparkle with light. he is so deep. his love is strong. and loves to be hugged as tight as possible as much as possible.

the baby once removed loves everything about life. anything she does is with full enthusiasm. she squeezes your neck tighter than anyone. yells louder than anything. jumps bigger, and skips higher. she looks at me and smiles so big she has to close her eyes..for simply no reason at all. and she does that all day. she loves fully and deeply.

and, the baby. he's tender. quiet. sweet. gentle. the look in his eyes is full of wisdom and trust.

so will we have more? probably not from this tired body. (i guess our God is the only one who fully knows.  maybe God will give us the gift of children birthed from another mama.)

but, the beauty of knowing your children is so worth all the work. the pain. the daily grind that i wonder if i will make it through...physically and mentally.

it's hard to stop to know them.  most days i don't remember to. but, i need to. they need to be known. and to know them is to know God.

judge away!

i have 5 people. five little people, but people none-the-less.

i often mislabel them. i call them "my children." now, don't get me wrong. they came out of my body. they are ck's and my responsibility. they all have the last name kiefer. they look like each other. but, they are not one group, they are five individuals.

they don't all like the same things.  they like different food. some enjoy being in large groups. some like being alone. some like the arts. some like puzzles. some like math. some like being the center of attention. some don't ever want any attention.

and, if you don't know, leading five people is hard. can you imagine five of your most different friends, different genders, different ages, with a few who couldn't express themselves in words,  all living together under one roof ALL the time?  super tough.

but, this is what all moms do all the time.

it doesn't matter how many you have. you have been gifted from God other humans to help develop. and, as they develop, you develop. they have to learn the world and you have to help them navigate it.

and, while i'm in the middle of the most difficult task of my life (helping these people grow), i have hundreds of onlookers. they watch EVERY decision i make:
-do i breastfeed or bottle-feed?
-do i schedule my babies or let them schedule themselves?
-what are they wearing?
-how early were they potty trained?
-do they eat vegetables well?
-do they talk back?
-what kind of schooling did we choose?
-why do we have five children?
-why are they so close together?
and on and on...

not only do people watch my decisions, but they have their opinions.  and, they SHARE their opinions. constantly. every day. i am always being judged.

it was so hard at the beginning. how can i meet everyone's expectations? such a pressure to be perfect.

but, perfect is not possible. only my God is perfect and i fall short. WAY short. every day.

i do the best i can to love my children, love my husband, and most of all love my God. and, they are who i am responsible to.

so...JUDGE AWAY.  it's ok. i know you don't know what its like. until you have five kids 7 years old and under.

and, i will never know what its like to walk in your shoes. to be married to your husband. to work your job. to lead and guide the little people with their unique personalities in your care.

so, instead of looking at what should be done differently, i want to tell you...mom, you are doing AWESOME!! you are rocking it. your children are alive, they are thriving, and you care. you get up early, you stay up late, you pick out outfits, you make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you clean toilets, you love your husband, you wash clothes, you change diapers, you sit for hours feeding your babies putting off all the other things that need to be done, you clean up spit up, you clean up throw up, you drive all around kingdom come spending lots of money so your children can kick and throw balls, dance, sing, and play with other little people, you sit in the bathroom waiting to hear a tinkle and cheer and jump around at even a drop, your body has been stretched in every way, you break up fights, clean marker off the wall, AND endure the judgments of others when your little people act they way THEY want instead of the way YOU want.  You are SIMPLY AMAZING!

on this mother's day weekend, as mom's let's make a pact:

We, as the leaders of our little people, won't be affected by the judgments of others (or get mad about it) and we will be the biggest cheerleaders for one another.  

We need each other. We don't need to compare or "one up" each other.  Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt. We need to hear that we are doing great.  Let's learn from each other and not tear each other down.  If you notice a mom doing something better than you, don't get insecure. Praise her and institute that in your family. If you see a mom doing something you would never do, pray for her and encourage her. We don't know what she is going through.

Are you in?

life is too hard to fight anyone--especially yourself.

so, here's to celebrating the best and most overworked leaders on the planets...Happy Mother's Day, awesome woman!

give me some glamour.

it struck me on the way home from the gym today. i was sitting in a minor puddle of sweat, smelling quite nasty, with my baby boy in his car seat snoring. i pulled into my parking space and needed a moment to breathe before i started in on the rigorous routine of the rest of the day. i pulled up Facebook and that's when it hit me.

women, so badly, want motherhood to be glamourous. we (including myself!) post pictures of everything: adorable children (see photo to the right...), neatly thought out crafted projects, meals that we made with or for our children or husband, nursery decorations, redesigning rooms, our newest organization projects. NONE of which are wrong, or bad to do, nor am i criticizing posting pictures of those activities. (in fact, i think it gives inspiration, hope, and ideas...at least it does to me, so keep posting, please.)

BUT...still. we want life to feel or be glamorous. "glamour," defined by good ole webster himself, "a very exciting and attractive quality." now really, moms, is anything about our job glamourous?

when i was single, everything about being married and a mom seemed very exciting and attractive. husband beside you laughing and dancing your way through life while bringing children into the world and along your path with you. now, don't get me wrong. before i was married, i knew there would be challenges, hard times, and struggles.

but, i never thought through the details of what those challenges may be.

i never knew that almost daily i would get poop on my fingers while changing countless diapers. i never knew that i would go years without sleeping through the night once (and many nights never sleeping more than an hour consecutively). i never thought through the fact that my body would be completely stretched and pulled from the inside and outside. i never thought i would hear audible gasps when i walked through a public place as people counted my 5 children (that we chose to have) and would then walk over to us and ask "are they all yours??" (ps-the other day, the oldest said the me "mom, i wish people would stop commenting on how many children are in our family. why do they do that?")

the things i never knew...

and, that was on purpose, i'm sure. tricked into a life that isn't glamourous.

i could have had a "glamourous" life. but, instead, i decided to be a mom.

but, truthfully, between you and me...glamour is overrated. its an illusion. i'm reminded of the recent tragedy of philip seymour hoffman.  someone who seemingly had a "glamorous" life--numerous acting awards, beautiful girlfriend, children, money. and, it ended alone overdosed with a needle still in his arm. so, so tragic.

nothing about motherhood is glamourous.

EXCEPT one thing: we are shaping little lives that will impact many, maybe even thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions. nelson mandela's mom probably didn't know what raising lil nelson would mean for the nation or for the world.

if "glamour" is defined as "a very exciting" quality, then, honestly, i have a lot of glamour. what could be more exciting than shaping and influencing 5 lives that will literally change their world?