was feeling pretty crushed. hmm...

i've wondered about something.  and, i'm getting more and more convinced it happens. i have this theory that my sweet foursome once in awhile get together and make a plot deciding they will take shifts and run mom as hard as they can and then lay low while another one takes over.

having four little ones, i very rarely have an easy day. daily food messes, breaking up sibling fights, injuries, etc. but, there are some days, its taken to a whole different level. they've been going strong for two days now.

now, my children really are amazing (what mom doesn't think that about their own children, really?). but, like my charlie will often pick up his room (i mean spotless) and make his bed without me ever asking him. he just surprises me with it.  and, my first darling, daily makes me gorgeous gifts even elaborate picture books. they often play well together and are fairly agreeable (usually).

BUT...in the last two days, i don't know if anyone has done anything i asked (the first or fourth time). it has felt as though i don't exist. i will say something to one of them, they acknowledge they heard me, and within seconds (!!) they forget (or refuse).  i have been yelled at, hit, things have been thrown at me, doors have been slammed, pooped on (this was not out of rebellion), unhappy about dinner, unhappy about snack, unhappy that another is unhappy, unhappy that  another is happy, mad that someone is playing with their toy, mad that someone is playing with someone else's toy, blah, blah...i'm tired just typing about it.

for example, tonight one of my sons yelled in the other's face as loud as possible to make the other one mad. the other one laughed at him which made the other one more mad so louder yelling which made the other laugh harder and on and on it went. of course, i was feeding the tiny one trying to put her to bed so i couldn't do anything about it and the amazing husband was cleaning the kitchen and making pj rounds and was oblivious to it.

on the way home from dance and tae kwon do tonight, they were doing all they could do to aggravate each other. and they both were succeeding. since i was driving, i decided to try a new tactic. i would turn off their kid music, turn on worship music and the louder they got, the louder i turned up the music. it kept me calm and got my point across. :)

all of this to say...as a mother the last two days, i have been pressed. pressed so hard i didn't think there was anything left. but this afternoon, i knew i had no more natural strength. i could not do it without intervention. "my children have to CHANGE!" but, i know its not about them. it never is. (i mean they do need to act like decent little human beings and not crazy people.) but, these scenarios are always about me.

who will i lean on? who will i trust? me? charles? or God? i usually try the first two first. then i get it. my oprah-aha-moment (which i should have learned by now): lean on God. trust Him. as i began to do that, the craziness of my children didn't seem nearly as crazy. the pressure on the outside was nothing that could compare to the power i can tap into on the inside when i trust in and lean on God.

as a high school and college student, i dealt a lot with anxiety. i started regularly singing a song that became a place of worship and rest for me then. and, now, whenever i am pressed, it just comes out. tonight as i was putting Sophia to bed, i started singing it out of habit and, as i listened to the words coming out of my mouth, a new strength and resolve came:

when peace like a river attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll,

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

"it is well, it is well with my soul"

it is well, it is well

with my soul, with my soul

it is well, it is well with my soul!

it is well. so, "i am pressed but not crushed...so that his [Jesus'] life may be revealed in my mortal body." (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

not fun. not what i want. but, Jesus, reveal yourself through me. to those who see me and especially to my children.

here's a thought: maybe i'm pressed by them so that they may possibly see Christ revealed. 

dumb & dumber, but grateful

well, it was a dumb-mommy day. sometimes i just have those days. i thought i was going to be brilliant, but, well, not so much.

i love to celebrate. anything. anyone. any occasion. so, i thought "since mylie finished her first "week" of kindergarten we can get chick-fil-a and ice cream after we pick her up! this will be so fun!"

after driving 25 min to pick her up and wait 10 min in the carpool line, my boys' patience was running out. so i parked and ran over and grabbed mylie. mylie had a great day, but was so tired and hungry. as soon as i opened the van door, the boys thought it would be funny to call her "chicken legs" (a name no one has ever said before) but i think they got it from us talking about going to "chick-fil-a."

so, she overreacts out of tiredness which makes charlie want to do it more (this is a fairly common pattern in our house). by the time we are 2 minutes down the road, he is laughing hysterically saying very random things with zeke putting in his two cents and mylie is in tears.

i wonder if i should abandon my plan, but not only would that invoke hysterical crying from all 3, they would have to ride another 20 minutes and starving and its already 12:45.

so, i pull into cfa and the drive thru line is sooooo long. but, i'm not dragging all 4 kids in and the way the drive-thru line is situated, i'm committed. when i finally get up to the window, the drive-thru lady says "oh, no! who's crying?" b/c all 3 were crying very loudly. "everyone." i said with a sigh. "i'll hurry!" she said. i appreciated her kindness and she made sure they all got a toy that they didn't have at home.

we pull out of there, maneuver through lunch-time triangle traffic across the street to Goodberry's (super yummy custard). by this time, its 1:00pm and almost nap time. i know this could turn into a bigger disaster but remind myself that we are all together, healthy, and nothing is really wrong.

i unload all 4 at goodberry's with all our food, drinks, stroller, etc. get across the parking lot (which is quite a task with a baby, toddler, and the massive amounts of food i had.) we find a table with an umbrella.

3 of the seats were in the shade so i position the 3 oldest there and sit down on the sunny stool. but, not thinking that since they were black, it was going to be hot. so i burned my bum. and no matter what i sat on, it still burned through. the WHOLE time. (but, i wasn't about to move all the kids and food somewhere else). so i just sat with a burning hot bum.

we get through most our lunch me trying to help everyone eat as they drip polynesian everywhere and wipe it on my skirt. and spill chocolate milk. while i try to feed sophia and myself. but as the food goes in, they start to get happy. they are loving life.

and, i'm reminded of the book i'm reading a thousand gifts--enjoying life is really about being grateful. living in every moment instead of trying to rush everyone along to the next thing because of our agenda. they are happy. that's all that matters.

i still feel a little strained as we leave lunch because zeke is overheated with a beet red face, charlie's stomach hurts (b/c goodberry's smallest serving is still huge), and mylie has chocolate all over her white uniform.

but, as i load everyone and everything into the car, i remind myself again: i have 4 beautiful children who love me with all their heart. they are precious and happy and full of life. they teach me so much about how to love life.

so we use half a pack of wipes to clean our faces, hands, legs, and hair and get in the car.

everyone is happy and singing on the way home. now everyone is tucked in for their nap.

so maybe my idea was not the best on such a hot day being alone without another adult. lesson learned.

but i know without a doubt: my life is messy. and very good. and i'm grateful for both. and, i'm learning how to celebrate both. here's to the messy and the gratitude we can still have in the middle of it!