but...yet.
today i found myself wondering what it would be like to have more. some people have asked me "are you a glutton for punishment?" i would like to think that i'm a "glutton" for grace. there is nothing like being in the grace (of God, that is). if you have never felt that, you need to. there is a help that is literally extraordinary (out of this world, extra-ordinary). most days...i struggle to find it. i get lost in the yells for fresh underwear and needing wiped and the spilled water (about 10 times a day...literally...it's my 2-year-old's favorite...to dump water on her head or the floor) and the baby's explorations into every drawer. but, oh the grace. to find it (by looking for and to God in every situation)...there is nothing like it.
but, back to wanting more. why would i want more? besides the grace. besides the love i receive from them. what is it drawing me?
and then all of a sudden, as i was driving my oldest back from a performing arts camp, as she was rattling on and on about the production tonight, it hit me. it's the amazing gift of knowing them. the discovery of each of my children is unparalleled.
they are amazing souls. they are so different than me. i can see glimpses of me in each of them. but, they are so different. so incredible. so likable. so amazing.
when i actually take the time to really listen. when i look into their beautiful eyes and study their amazing features. when i hear their heart. listen through their tears. their souls are so beautiful and represent the God that made them so intricately and perfectly.
my oldest is lovable and cautious and so artistic in every way. she is compassionate and strong. she won't go down without a fight, but is the most tender of a flower.
the next boy is strong and loves boundaries. he is not afraid to confront anyone who crosses into the territory of safety for his siblings. he stands for anything and everything he believes in, but he is pensive and kind and will give up what he wants for any one of his siblings. he opens his arms to his two year old sister as she backs her little hiney down onto his lap.
the most middle boy is always up for a joke. he has played jokes on the family before he could speak sentences. he giggles throughout movies. he laughs at his siblings. his smile is endearing and his eyes sparkle with light. he is so deep. his love is strong. and loves to be hugged as tight as possible as much as possible.
the baby once removed loves everything about life. anything she does is with full enthusiasm. she squeezes your neck tighter than anyone. yells louder than anything. jumps bigger, and skips higher. she looks at me and smiles so big she has to close her eyes..for simply no reason at all. and she does that all day. she loves fully and deeply.
and, the baby. he's tender. quiet. sweet. gentle. the look in his eyes is full of wisdom and trust.
so will we have more? probably not from this tired body. (i guess our God is the only one who fully knows. maybe God will give us the gift of children birthed from another mama.)
but, the beauty of knowing your children is so worth all the work. the pain. the daily grind that i wonder if i will make it through...physically and mentally.
it's hard to stop to know them. most days i don't remember to. but, i need to. they need to be known. and to know them is to know God.
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