was feeling pretty crushed. hmm...

i've wondered about something.  and, i'm getting more and more convinced it happens. i have this theory that my sweet foursome once in awhile get together and make a plot deciding they will take shifts and run mom as hard as they can and then lay low while another one takes over.

having four little ones, i very rarely have an easy day. daily food messes, breaking up sibling fights, injuries, etc. but, there are some days, its taken to a whole different level. they've been going strong for two days now.

now, my children really are amazing (what mom doesn't think that about their own children, really?). but, like my charlie will often pick up his room (i mean spotless) and make his bed without me ever asking him. he just surprises me with it.  and, my first darling, daily makes me gorgeous gifts even elaborate picture books. they often play well together and are fairly agreeable (usually).

BUT...in the last two days, i don't know if anyone has done anything i asked (the first or fourth time). it has felt as though i don't exist. i will say something to one of them, they acknowledge they heard me, and within seconds (!!) they forget (or refuse).  i have been yelled at, hit, things have been thrown at me, doors have been slammed, pooped on (this was not out of rebellion), unhappy about dinner, unhappy about snack, unhappy that another is unhappy, unhappy that  another is happy, mad that someone is playing with their toy, mad that someone is playing with someone else's toy, blah, blah...i'm tired just typing about it.

for example, tonight one of my sons yelled in the other's face as loud as possible to make the other one mad. the other one laughed at him which made the other one more mad so louder yelling which made the other laugh harder and on and on it went. of course, i was feeding the tiny one trying to put her to bed so i couldn't do anything about it and the amazing husband was cleaning the kitchen and making pj rounds and was oblivious to it.

on the way home from dance and tae kwon do tonight, they were doing all they could do to aggravate each other. and they both were succeeding. since i was driving, i decided to try a new tactic. i would turn off their kid music, turn on worship music and the louder they got, the louder i turned up the music. it kept me calm and got my point across. :)

all of this to say...as a mother the last two days, i have been pressed. pressed so hard i didn't think there was anything left. but this afternoon, i knew i had no more natural strength. i could not do it without intervention. "my children have to CHANGE!" but, i know its not about them. it never is. (i mean they do need to act like decent little human beings and not crazy people.) but, these scenarios are always about me.

who will i lean on? who will i trust? me? charles? or God? i usually try the first two first. then i get it. my oprah-aha-moment (which i should have learned by now): lean on God. trust Him. as i began to do that, the craziness of my children didn't seem nearly as crazy. the pressure on the outside was nothing that could compare to the power i can tap into on the inside when i trust in and lean on God.

as a high school and college student, i dealt a lot with anxiety. i started regularly singing a song that became a place of worship and rest for me then. and, now, whenever i am pressed, it just comes out. tonight as i was putting Sophia to bed, i started singing it out of habit and, as i listened to the words coming out of my mouth, a new strength and resolve came:

when peace like a river attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll,

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

"it is well, it is well with my soul"

it is well, it is well

with my soul, with my soul

it is well, it is well with my soul!

it is well. so, "i am pressed but not crushed...so that his [Jesus'] life may be revealed in my mortal body." (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

not fun. not what i want. but, Jesus, reveal yourself through me. to those who see me and especially to my children.

here's a thought: maybe i'm pressed by them so that they may possibly see Christ revealed.