this has been quite a season. for the last days, well months actually, i have had quite a weariness in my soul. you know, where you just are empty.
don't get me wrong. i LOVE my life. i am totally & completely infatuated with my children. i couldn't have asked for a more loving, serving, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly good-looking husband. love my house, love our jobs, love our extended family, have amazing friends.
but, lately, i just am empty. i have been uptight for way too long and it has worn me out. i came into this season of life trying really hard to be perfect. before being married (since middle school), i always had to be wearing the perfect outfit. i tried to keep a perfect house. i loved trying to make perfect meals. i maintained a near perfect body. i just wanted to be perfect. i wasn't really leaning on the Lord very much. i loved Him, just didn't lean on Him.
i brought all of that into marriage. i was able to keep things pretty perfect for awhile, but with each new child, the challenges got deeper and my perfect world was cracked. nothing was wrong with it, it just is far from perfect.
these days, come to my house and most days you will find crumbs on and under our table. sometimes laundry sits in the dryer for days. i often have dirty dishes in the sink. and, many nights we eat something only semi-homemade (thanks sandra lee for making this acceptable) when i wish everything was completely homemade.
so, yes, lately...i've been running on empty.
shift gears slightly.
a couple of months ago i was sitting feeding sophia and i started thinking about our bedroom. we have ck's grandparents furniture and the queen-sized bed i was given in college. i'm very grateful for all we have. but, as i was thinking about our room, i just wished for a new bed that felt nice to escape to.
it was just a quiet wish...not even a prayer. i didn't tell anyone. i kind of felt like i wasn't supposed to tell even charles about my secret wish.
later THAT day, i was at a meeting and i overheard my husband talking to our friend. he said something like "yeah. thanks anyway. we have a queen-sized bed." i asked him what he was talking about. "oh, they are getting a new bed and they have a king sized bed they were offering us..."
"WHAT??!! i was just thinking about wanting a new one earlier this morning! kinda talking to God, but not really praying, that i would like one!"
and, so...we got a gorgeous king-sized bed, with Ann Gish bedding and an amazing brand new stearns & foster pillow top mattress all given to us. i was so amazed at how God lavished his love on me.
but, to take it even deeper.
yesterday, i was making our bed, thanking God for it. (we got it a couple of months ago, but i'm still so grateful.) and it hit me. how profound. at the time that i needed to feel God's love for me the most, he gave me this bed with this gorgeous bedding.
and, every night i am able to sink into, rest, and be wrapped up in God's love for me in a very practical way.
don't tell me God isn't tangible. he's lavish and very near. and it brings a joy to my soul. my heart smiles in a way that it hasn't in awhile.
i'm loved and i can rest in that.
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