give me some glamour.

it struck me on the way home from the gym today. i was sitting in a minor puddle of sweat, smelling quite nasty, with my baby boy in his car seat snoring. i pulled into my parking space and needed a moment to breathe before i started in on the rigorous routine of the rest of the day. i pulled up Facebook and that's when it hit me.

women, so badly, want motherhood to be glamourous. we (including myself!) post pictures of everything: adorable children (see photo to the right...), neatly thought out crafted projects, meals that we made with or for our children or husband, nursery decorations, redesigning rooms, our newest organization projects. NONE of which are wrong, or bad to do, nor am i criticizing posting pictures of those activities. (in fact, i think it gives inspiration, hope, and ideas...at least it does to me, so keep posting, please.)

BUT...still. we want life to feel or be glamorous. "glamour," defined by good ole webster himself, "a very exciting and attractive quality." now really, moms, is anything about our job glamourous?

when i was single, everything about being married and a mom seemed very exciting and attractive. husband beside you laughing and dancing your way through life while bringing children into the world and along your path with you. now, don't get me wrong. before i was married, i knew there would be challenges, hard times, and struggles.

but, i never thought through the details of what those challenges may be.

i never knew that almost daily i would get poop on my fingers while changing countless diapers. i never knew that i would go years without sleeping through the night once (and many nights never sleeping more than an hour consecutively). i never thought through the fact that my body would be completely stretched and pulled from the inside and outside. i never thought i would hear audible gasps when i walked through a public place as people counted my 5 children (that we chose to have) and would then walk over to us and ask "are they all yours??" (ps-the other day, the oldest said the me "mom, i wish people would stop commenting on how many children are in our family. why do they do that?")

the things i never knew...

and, that was on purpose, i'm sure. tricked into a life that isn't glamourous.

i could have had a "glamourous" life. but, instead, i decided to be a mom.

but, truthfully, between you and me...glamour is overrated. its an illusion. i'm reminded of the recent tragedy of philip seymour hoffman.  someone who seemingly had a "glamorous" life--numerous acting awards, beautiful girlfriend, children, money. and, it ended alone overdosed with a needle still in his arm. so, so tragic.

nothing about motherhood is glamourous.

EXCEPT one thing: we are shaping little lives that will impact many, maybe even thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions. nelson mandela's mom probably didn't know what raising lil nelson would mean for the nation or for the world.

if "glamour" is defined as "a very exciting" quality, then, honestly, i have a lot of glamour. what could be more exciting than shaping and influencing 5 lives that will literally change their world?

was feeling pretty crushed. hmm...

i've wondered about something.  and, i'm getting more and more convinced it happens. i have this theory that my sweet foursome once in awhile get together and make a plot deciding they will take shifts and run mom as hard as they can and then lay low while another one takes over.

having four little ones, i very rarely have an easy day. daily food messes, breaking up sibling fights, injuries, etc. but, there are some days, its taken to a whole different level. they've been going strong for two days now.

now, my children really are amazing (what mom doesn't think that about their own children, really?). but, like my charlie will often pick up his room (i mean spotless) and make his bed without me ever asking him. he just surprises me with it.  and, my first darling, daily makes me gorgeous gifts even elaborate picture books. they often play well together and are fairly agreeable (usually).

BUT...in the last two days, i don't know if anyone has done anything i asked (the first or fourth time). it has felt as though i don't exist. i will say something to one of them, they acknowledge they heard me, and within seconds (!!) they forget (or refuse).  i have been yelled at, hit, things have been thrown at me, doors have been slammed, pooped on (this was not out of rebellion), unhappy about dinner, unhappy about snack, unhappy that another is unhappy, unhappy that  another is happy, mad that someone is playing with their toy, mad that someone is playing with someone else's toy, blah, blah...i'm tired just typing about it.

for example, tonight one of my sons yelled in the other's face as loud as possible to make the other one mad. the other one laughed at him which made the other one more mad so louder yelling which made the other laugh harder and on and on it went. of course, i was feeding the tiny one trying to put her to bed so i couldn't do anything about it and the amazing husband was cleaning the kitchen and making pj rounds and was oblivious to it.

on the way home from dance and tae kwon do tonight, they were doing all they could do to aggravate each other. and they both were succeeding. since i was driving, i decided to try a new tactic. i would turn off their kid music, turn on worship music and the louder they got, the louder i turned up the music. it kept me calm and got my point across. :)

all of this to say...as a mother the last two days, i have been pressed. pressed so hard i didn't think there was anything left. but this afternoon, i knew i had no more natural strength. i could not do it without intervention. "my children have to CHANGE!" but, i know its not about them. it never is. (i mean they do need to act like decent little human beings and not crazy people.) but, these scenarios are always about me.

who will i lean on? who will i trust? me? charles? or God? i usually try the first two first. then i get it. my oprah-aha-moment (which i should have learned by now): lean on God. trust Him. as i began to do that, the craziness of my children didn't seem nearly as crazy. the pressure on the outside was nothing that could compare to the power i can tap into on the inside when i trust in and lean on God.

as a high school and college student, i dealt a lot with anxiety. i started regularly singing a song that became a place of worship and rest for me then. and, now, whenever i am pressed, it just comes out. tonight as i was putting Sophia to bed, i started singing it out of habit and, as i listened to the words coming out of my mouth, a new strength and resolve came:

when peace like a river attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll,

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

"it is well, it is well with my soul"

it is well, it is well

with my soul, with my soul

it is well, it is well with my soul!

it is well. so, "i am pressed but not crushed...so that his [Jesus'] life may be revealed in my mortal body." (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

not fun. not what i want. but, Jesus, reveal yourself through me. to those who see me and especially to my children.

here's a thought: maybe i'm pressed by them so that they may possibly see Christ revealed. 

dumb & dumber, but grateful

well, it was a dumb-mommy day. sometimes i just have those days. i thought i was going to be brilliant, but, well, not so much.

i love to celebrate. anything. anyone. any occasion. so, i thought "since mylie finished her first "week" of kindergarten we can get chick-fil-a and ice cream after we pick her up! this will be so fun!"

after driving 25 min to pick her up and wait 10 min in the carpool line, my boys' patience was running out. so i parked and ran over and grabbed mylie. mylie had a great day, but was so tired and hungry. as soon as i opened the van door, the boys thought it would be funny to call her "chicken legs" (a name no one has ever said before) but i think they got it from us talking about going to "chick-fil-a."

so, she overreacts out of tiredness which makes charlie want to do it more (this is a fairly common pattern in our house). by the time we are 2 minutes down the road, he is laughing hysterically saying very random things with zeke putting in his two cents and mylie is in tears.

i wonder if i should abandon my plan, but not only would that invoke hysterical crying from all 3, they would have to ride another 20 minutes and starving and its already 12:45.

so, i pull into cfa and the drive thru line is sooooo long. but, i'm not dragging all 4 kids in and the way the drive-thru line is situated, i'm committed. when i finally get up to the window, the drive-thru lady says "oh, no! who's crying?" b/c all 3 were crying very loudly. "everyone." i said with a sigh. "i'll hurry!" she said. i appreciated her kindness and she made sure they all got a toy that they didn't have at home.

we pull out of there, maneuver through lunch-time triangle traffic across the street to Goodberry's (super yummy custard). by this time, its 1:00pm and almost nap time. i know this could turn into a bigger disaster but remind myself that we are all together, healthy, and nothing is really wrong.

i unload all 4 at goodberry's with all our food, drinks, stroller, etc. get across the parking lot (which is quite a task with a baby, toddler, and the massive amounts of food i had.) we find a table with an umbrella.

3 of the seats were in the shade so i position the 3 oldest there and sit down on the sunny stool. but, not thinking that since they were black, it was going to be hot. so i burned my bum. and no matter what i sat on, it still burned through. the WHOLE time. (but, i wasn't about to move all the kids and food somewhere else). so i just sat with a burning hot bum.

we get through most our lunch me trying to help everyone eat as they drip polynesian everywhere and wipe it on my skirt. and spill chocolate milk. while i try to feed sophia and myself. but as the food goes in, they start to get happy. they are loving life.

and, i'm reminded of the book i'm reading a thousand gifts--enjoying life is really about being grateful. living in every moment instead of trying to rush everyone along to the next thing because of our agenda. they are happy. that's all that matters.

i still feel a little strained as we leave lunch because zeke is overheated with a beet red face, charlie's stomach hurts (b/c goodberry's smallest serving is still huge), and mylie has chocolate all over her white uniform.

but, as i load everyone and everything into the car, i remind myself again: i have 4 beautiful children who love me with all their heart. they are precious and happy and full of life. they teach me so much about how to love life.

so we use half a pack of wipes to clean our faces, hands, legs, and hair and get in the car.

everyone is happy and singing on the way home. now everyone is tucked in for their nap.

so maybe my idea was not the best on such a hot day being alone without another adult. lesson learned.

but i know without a doubt: my life is messy. and very good. and i'm grateful for both. and, i'm learning how to celebrate both. here's to the messy and the gratitude we can still have in the middle of it!

to the girl who made me a mommy

To my Mylie Grace.

Born July 28, 2006 at 11:57pm. You are the beautiful fair-skinned, strawberry-blonde 6 lb.  13 oz baby girl who entered the world 10 days early to a highly anticipatory mommy (who was determined to have you before midnight on an even day...i know...i'm a weird one).

We named you Mylie Grace because of its meaning "Forgiving Grace." Forgiving Undeserved Favor.  We didn't know when we decided on your name how much we would need you.

Your daddy reminds me of the time he was going through a really rough time. You were laying on the couch and he was down on his knees beside the couch. After praying and crying, he got up and as soon as you saw him you burst into the most contagious giggles ever. God knew we needed you. You continue to light up our days.

As a baby, everyone always called you "Smiley Face" instead of "Mylie Grace." You were so happy. So full of joy. So full of life. You still are. Life to the full!

And, an awesome sleeper. At 8 weeks, you started sleeping 12 hours through the night and never turned back. Our friends called you our college sleeper. You would sleep 14 hours a night and then take a 3 hour nap. You spoiled us as parents. :)

You are the beautiful girl that made me a mommy. You changed my name from "Tiffany" to "Mama." That is a name that I adore more than any other.

You are sensitive, kind, funny, dramatic, beautiful, thoughtful, creative, and the most beautiful ballerina I ever laid eyes on.

You are Mylie and you are God's gift to me.

Happy 6th birthday, my baby.

To Conclude, six beautiful things that I love about you:
1. I love how, ever since you were a tiny baby, you flap your arms and legs whenever you are excited about something. I love that you still do it.

2. I love that your are cautious until you are sure, and then you are unstoppable.

3. I love that you love your brothers & sister, but that you love Charlie as your best friend and lean on him like a brother.

4. I love that you love desserts and hot dogs just as much as I do.

5. I love that, for you, a shower is not complete until you have sung "singing in the rain."

6. I love that you trust your daddy more than any other human.

You are an amazing girl. I just love you.

the Jesus-loves-ME bed

this has been quite a season. for the last days, well months actually, i have had quite a weariness in my soul. you know, where you just are empty.

don't get me wrong. i LOVE my life. i am totally & completely infatuated with my children. i couldn't have asked for a more loving, serving, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly good-looking husband. love my house, love our jobs, love our extended family, have amazing friends.

but, lately, i just am empty. i have been uptight for way too long and it has worn me out. i came into this season of life trying really hard to be perfect. before being married (since middle school), i always had to be wearing the perfect outfit. i tried to keep a perfect house. i loved trying to make perfect meals.  i maintained a near perfect body. i just wanted to be perfect. i wasn't really leaning on the Lord very much. i loved Him, just didn't lean on Him.

i brought all of that into marriage. i was able to keep things pretty perfect for awhile, but with each new child, the challenges got deeper and my perfect world was cracked. nothing was wrong with it, it just is far from perfect.

these days, come to my house and most days you will find crumbs on and under our table. sometimes laundry sits in the dryer for days. i often have dirty dishes in the sink. and, many nights we eat something only semi-homemade (thanks sandra lee for making this acceptable) when i wish everything was completely homemade.

so, yes, lately...i've been running on empty.

shift gears slightly.

a couple of months ago i was sitting feeding sophia and i started thinking about our bedroom. we have ck's grandparents furniture and the queen-sized bed i was given in college. i'm very grateful for all we have. but, as i was thinking about our room, i just wished for a new bed that felt nice to escape to.

it was just a quiet wish...not even a prayer. i didn't tell anyone. i kind of felt like i wasn't supposed to tell even charles about my secret wish.

later THAT day, i was at a meeting and i overheard my husband talking to our friend.  he said something like "yeah. thanks anyway. we have a queen-sized bed." i asked him what he was talking about.  "oh, they are getting a new bed and they have a king sized bed they were offering us..."

"WHAT??!! i was just thinking about wanting a new one earlier this morning! kinda talking to God, but not really praying, that i would like one!"

and, so...we got a gorgeous king-sized bed, with Ann Gish bedding and an amazing brand new stearns & foster pillow top mattress all given to us.  i was so amazed at how God lavished his love on me.

but, to take it even deeper.

yesterday, i was making our bed, thanking God for it. (we got it a couple of months ago, but i'm still so grateful.) and it hit me. how profound. at the time that i needed to feel God's love for me the most, he gave me this bed with this gorgeous bedding.

and, every night i am able to sink into, rest, and be wrapped up in God's love for me in a very practical way.

don't tell me God isn't tangible. he's lavish and very near. and it brings a joy to my soul. my heart smiles in a way that it hasn't in awhile.

i'm loved and i can rest in that.

i just am tired.

i love the shock factor. well, sort of, like it.

people stop me in target or in the mall or in the parking lot: "are they all YOURS??"
or, "oh my. you really have your hands full."
or, "how old ARE they?"
or, "that is my nightmare!"

my patience runs a little thin for these kind of comments. um, people. my kids are standing right in front of you. and, they have ears. they are not a nightmare. they are precious. and, i love them. and, I (well, we...my husband and i) chose to have them all. they are all wanted and loved.

but, i've also often gotten compliments like:
"you have a gorgeous family."
"you are SO lucky!"
"your children are amazing."
"they are so well-spoken."

we have our days. at the end of some days, i feel completely exhausted, worn out, with nothing left to give. i try to do laundry all day to only have one load finished and half-folded (because i've folded the same pile 3 times after my two yr old keeps plowing through it or 'helps' fold himself) with 4 more loads to go.

many nights there are still enough crumbs under the table to make a whole plate of food.  and, i finally get a shower after i put everyone to bed even though i worked out at 9:00 in the morning.

but, this is the life i chose for myself. and it is a very happy life.

charlie stops many days and says "mommy, you are beautiful!" or zeke climbs into my lap and says "i wuv oo, mommmmy!" and, mylie daily makes amazing drawings or notes for me with "i love you mommy" across the top.

as charles and i laid in bed last night, we were talking and he was saying how kids crave someone to look up to. and it should be their parents. they need us to love them unconditionally. they need us to offer love, not control or rigidity.  they need us to be willing to let life be messy in order for them to feel loved.

what is a win for me as a parent? that at the end of the day, or a season, or their childhood, that we have an amazing relationship. that they trust me with their whole heart. that each one of them can and do talk to me about any and everything going on in their life.

not that they are perfect.

so, in the meantime, i'm tired. but, it will all be worth it in the end.

our family theme song is "you've got a friend in me" from toy story. whenever anyone feels sad, we sing it. as for me, and my house, will all be friends. forever.

saved from 911

today was that kind of day.

the kind of day where i should have had to call 911. twice.

and not just for semi-big things. for things that could have--and should have--taken out my two sons.

the morning started off as usual. loud. boisterous. lots of activity. playing, fighting, & playing again.

as i juggled what felt like trying to do 47 things (put sophia down for a nap, keep the boys from fighting, cooking dinner ahead of time, sending a few semi-urgent emails, & cleaning up from breakfast), the children did their normal.

then we started to get ready to go to the pool. charlie was standing in the hall playing with a ball and all of a sudden i heard the loudest noise. i ran over and miracle #1 occurred. charlie was standing their uninjured while on the floor was a very large frame that had shattered.

here's the miracle: the frame shattered. and somehow the glass was completely in tact and charlie stood there unharmed. where he was, how it fell, it could of (and should of) sliced open his head and broke into hundreds of pieces on top of him.

i'm so thankful.

we continued to get ready to go to the pool. first time of the season. everyone is so excited. i'm slightly frazzled (thank the Lord grandma came over to help and go with us) trying to get everyone's suits, sunscreen, towels, changes of clothes, extra diapers, pack our lunch...

we FINALLY get there. get everyone undressed. get out all the pool toys and get in. the baby pool, that is.

and, we start having a blast! everyone is having a great time. i am sitting on the edge, dipping sophia in on the edge and i look up to see zeke face down in the pool about 2 feet from me. i freak and yell and dive for him while holding sophia up. and grab him up. somehow he couldn't get his little feet under him to stand up.

it took him a few seconds (or maybe a second, but it felt like forever) to breathe, but when he did. when he did. i cannot express the relief. he coughed, then almost threw up, then cried. and i cried. and grandma cried. and, i didn't let him go the rest of the time.

and, again, i'm so so grateful.

its only for the grace of God. He, in His goodness & graciousness, kept us today.

i felt like a horrible, no good mom. i cried many tears today. but, i sit in the quietness and stillness of my bedroom, grateful. so glad i serve a God who is bigger than me. and a God that covers my failures.

mommy's grace.