to the girl who made me a mommy

To my Mylie Grace.

Born July 28, 2006 at 11:57pm. You are the beautiful fair-skinned, strawberry-blonde 6 lb.  13 oz baby girl who entered the world 10 days early to a highly anticipatory mommy (who was determined to have you before midnight on an even day...i know...i'm a weird one).

We named you Mylie Grace because of its meaning "Forgiving Grace." Forgiving Undeserved Favor.  We didn't know when we decided on your name how much we would need you.

Your daddy reminds me of the time he was going through a really rough time. You were laying on the couch and he was down on his knees beside the couch. After praying and crying, he got up and as soon as you saw him you burst into the most contagious giggles ever. God knew we needed you. You continue to light up our days.

As a baby, everyone always called you "Smiley Face" instead of "Mylie Grace." You were so happy. So full of joy. So full of life. You still are. Life to the full!

And, an awesome sleeper. At 8 weeks, you started sleeping 12 hours through the night and never turned back. Our friends called you our college sleeper. You would sleep 14 hours a night and then take a 3 hour nap. You spoiled us as parents. :)

You are the beautiful girl that made me a mommy. You changed my name from "Tiffany" to "Mama." That is a name that I adore more than any other.

You are sensitive, kind, funny, dramatic, beautiful, thoughtful, creative, and the most beautiful ballerina I ever laid eyes on.

You are Mylie and you are God's gift to me.

Happy 6th birthday, my baby.

To Conclude, six beautiful things that I love about you:
1. I love how, ever since you were a tiny baby, you flap your arms and legs whenever you are excited about something. I love that you still do it.

2. I love that your are cautious until you are sure, and then you are unstoppable.

3. I love that you love your brothers & sister, but that you love Charlie as your best friend and lean on him like a brother.

4. I love that you love desserts and hot dogs just as much as I do.

5. I love that, for you, a shower is not complete until you have sung "singing in the rain."

6. I love that you trust your daddy more than any other human.

You are an amazing girl. I just love you.

the Jesus-loves-ME bed

this has been quite a season. for the last days, well months actually, i have had quite a weariness in my soul. you know, where you just are empty.

don't get me wrong. i LOVE my life. i am totally & completely infatuated with my children. i couldn't have asked for a more loving, serving, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly good-looking husband. love my house, love our jobs, love our extended family, have amazing friends.

but, lately, i just am empty. i have been uptight for way too long and it has worn me out. i came into this season of life trying really hard to be perfect. before being married (since middle school), i always had to be wearing the perfect outfit. i tried to keep a perfect house. i loved trying to make perfect meals.  i maintained a near perfect body. i just wanted to be perfect. i wasn't really leaning on the Lord very much. i loved Him, just didn't lean on Him.

i brought all of that into marriage. i was able to keep things pretty perfect for awhile, but with each new child, the challenges got deeper and my perfect world was cracked. nothing was wrong with it, it just is far from perfect.

these days, come to my house and most days you will find crumbs on and under our table. sometimes laundry sits in the dryer for days. i often have dirty dishes in the sink. and, many nights we eat something only semi-homemade (thanks sandra lee for making this acceptable) when i wish everything was completely homemade.

so, yes, lately...i've been running on empty.

shift gears slightly.

a couple of months ago i was sitting feeding sophia and i started thinking about our bedroom. we have ck's grandparents furniture and the queen-sized bed i was given in college. i'm very grateful for all we have. but, as i was thinking about our room, i just wished for a new bed that felt nice to escape to.

it was just a quiet wish...not even a prayer. i didn't tell anyone. i kind of felt like i wasn't supposed to tell even charles about my secret wish.

later THAT day, i was at a meeting and i overheard my husband talking to our friend.  he said something like "yeah. thanks anyway. we have a queen-sized bed." i asked him what he was talking about.  "oh, they are getting a new bed and they have a king sized bed they were offering us..."

"WHAT??!! i was just thinking about wanting a new one earlier this morning! kinda talking to God, but not really praying, that i would like one!"

and, so...we got a gorgeous king-sized bed, with Ann Gish bedding and an amazing brand new stearns & foster pillow top mattress all given to us.  i was so amazed at how God lavished his love on me.

but, to take it even deeper.

yesterday, i was making our bed, thanking God for it. (we got it a couple of months ago, but i'm still so grateful.) and it hit me. how profound. at the time that i needed to feel God's love for me the most, he gave me this bed with this gorgeous bedding.

and, every night i am able to sink into, rest, and be wrapped up in God's love for me in a very practical way.

don't tell me God isn't tangible. he's lavish and very near. and it brings a joy to my soul. my heart smiles in a way that it hasn't in awhile.

i'm loved and i can rest in that.

i just am tired.

i love the shock factor. well, sort of, like it.

people stop me in target or in the mall or in the parking lot: "are they all YOURS??"
or, "oh my. you really have your hands full."
or, "how old ARE they?"
or, "that is my nightmare!"

my patience runs a little thin for these kind of comments. um, people. my kids are standing right in front of you. and, they have ears. they are not a nightmare. they are precious. and, i love them. and, I (well, we...my husband and i) chose to have them all. they are all wanted and loved.

but, i've also often gotten compliments like:
"you have a gorgeous family."
"you are SO lucky!"
"your children are amazing."
"they are so well-spoken."

we have our days. at the end of some days, i feel completely exhausted, worn out, with nothing left to give. i try to do laundry all day to only have one load finished and half-folded (because i've folded the same pile 3 times after my two yr old keeps plowing through it or 'helps' fold himself) with 4 more loads to go.

many nights there are still enough crumbs under the table to make a whole plate of food.  and, i finally get a shower after i put everyone to bed even though i worked out at 9:00 in the morning.

but, this is the life i chose for myself. and it is a very happy life.

charlie stops many days and says "mommy, you are beautiful!" or zeke climbs into my lap and says "i wuv oo, mommmmy!" and, mylie daily makes amazing drawings or notes for me with "i love you mommy" across the top.

as charles and i laid in bed last night, we were talking and he was saying how kids crave someone to look up to. and it should be their parents. they need us to love them unconditionally. they need us to offer love, not control or rigidity.  they need us to be willing to let life be messy in order for them to feel loved.

what is a win for me as a parent? that at the end of the day, or a season, or their childhood, that we have an amazing relationship. that they trust me with their whole heart. that each one of them can and do talk to me about any and everything going on in their life.

not that they are perfect.

so, in the meantime, i'm tired. but, it will all be worth it in the end.

our family theme song is "you've got a friend in me" from toy story. whenever anyone feels sad, we sing it. as for me, and my house, will all be friends. forever.

saved from 911

today was that kind of day.

the kind of day where i should have had to call 911. twice.

and not just for semi-big things. for things that could have--and should have--taken out my two sons.

the morning started off as usual. loud. boisterous. lots of activity. playing, fighting, & playing again.

as i juggled what felt like trying to do 47 things (put sophia down for a nap, keep the boys from fighting, cooking dinner ahead of time, sending a few semi-urgent emails, & cleaning up from breakfast), the children did their normal.

then we started to get ready to go to the pool. charlie was standing in the hall playing with a ball and all of a sudden i heard the loudest noise. i ran over and miracle #1 occurred. charlie was standing their uninjured while on the floor was a very large frame that had shattered.

here's the miracle: the frame shattered. and somehow the glass was completely in tact and charlie stood there unharmed. where he was, how it fell, it could of (and should of) sliced open his head and broke into hundreds of pieces on top of him.

i'm so thankful.

we continued to get ready to go to the pool. first time of the season. everyone is so excited. i'm slightly frazzled (thank the Lord grandma came over to help and go with us) trying to get everyone's suits, sunscreen, towels, changes of clothes, extra diapers, pack our lunch...

we FINALLY get there. get everyone undressed. get out all the pool toys and get in. the baby pool, that is.

and, we start having a blast! everyone is having a great time. i am sitting on the edge, dipping sophia in on the edge and i look up to see zeke face down in the pool about 2 feet from me. i freak and yell and dive for him while holding sophia up. and grab him up. somehow he couldn't get his little feet under him to stand up.

it took him a few seconds (or maybe a second, but it felt like forever) to breathe, but when he did. when he did. i cannot express the relief. he coughed, then almost threw up, then cried. and i cried. and grandma cried. and, i didn't let him go the rest of the time.

and, again, i'm so so grateful.

its only for the grace of God. He, in His goodness & graciousness, kept us today.

i felt like a horrible, no good mom. i cried many tears today. but, i sit in the quietness and stillness of my bedroom, grateful. so glad i serve a God who is bigger than me. and a God that covers my failures.

mommy's grace.

your amazing child

we couldn't take another rainy day inside.  after yesterday--rearranging furniture, watching way more movies than we ever have, and building & coloring, we HAD to do something different today.

thankfully, i had a livingsocial voucher to Kidzu Kid's Museum in my arsenal of "fun-things-for-us-to-do-this-summer".  i called up the grandparents who are here visiting for a couple of weeks to alert them of our change in plans and we loaded up (because that is what you do with 4 children) and headed out.

thankfully, having been a mom for almost 6 years now, i knew that a fun place like this would be PACKED on a day like this...so i was not shocked when we got there. and i embraced the chaos.

my kids have never been to kidzu before. they were captivated as soon as the walked through the door...immediate fun hits you as you walk in.

since we had the grandparents with us, we were able to divide and conquer.  as i stood in the middle of Kidzu constantly scanning, trying to make sure all my kids were safe and having fun, it hit me. i was amazed.

this was my "aha moment": they ("they" being my little ones) are all so different.

okay, so that really is a no-brainer. you watch your child every day. they are amazing. every child plays differently, communicates in their own unique way, has different likes & dislikes.

but, as i watched, it hit me all over again. my oldest is so creative and artsy. everything she does & says is so creative & funny.  she sat at their two different art stations decorating ties for her daddy & making a fairy room, complete with carpet, wallpaper, and flowers & feathers.

my second oldest spent the entire time at their Gravitron Construction Zone, building & constructing a tube path on their huge magnetic wall for a ball to come down.

my third played happily going from center to center and spent about 15-20 minutes in each place working through the activities, enjoying himself fully & moving on.

my youngest just jumped in one of our arms just glad to be there watching it all. (i mean, what else would an 8 month old do, really?) :)

your child is amazing. they are a little person with their own thoughts, feelings, joy, & sadness, their own understandings. i've got 4 of them. they are all amazing. they are all different. they are all wonderful.

they ("they" being your little ones) add so much to the world. and, they are yours.

you are the perfect parent for your child. you may not be perfect...i know i'm not, but you are perfect for them. perfect to love them. perfect to know them. perfect to help them grow.

happy hearts

For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double- edged sword...” (Hebrews 4:8-12)

There are a few words that over the past years I have tried to eliminate from my vocabulary. The two that try to most often slip out are “busy” & “overwhelmed.” To be honest, most days I have quite a few moments of feeling overwhelmed. Whether it’s 3 dirty diapers in a 10 minute span (or at the same time!), being on an important call & a fight breaks out, or the husband & two oldest trying to leave and we can’t find shoes, keys, coats, etc.


But, everyone understands busy, right? Who isn’t busy?

Having four sweet ones five years old & under, we don’t ever stop. I (and we! thank the Lord for my amazing husband...) are constantly mediating, entertaining, jumping through sprinklers, being a fellow artist or colorer, puzzle-doing, berry picking, dancing, cooking, cleaning, wiping...you know...you're there too. (And, we do actually have jobs too. smile. wink. happy face.)


Even at night. Lately, the 3 youngest tag team (wink) so we find ourselves up 6 times a night. Although we would love to sleep, we wouldn’t change our children for anything! 

All of this to say, our life is full. And, sometimes we get caught up in it all. We just run from thing to thing, event to event, moment to moment, & forget to slow down. Forget to breathe.


In the above verse, it is clear that God has a special rest for us, a “Sabbath-rest”. A rest from our work “just as God did from his.” And, the very next verse starts talking about the power of the Word of God. It has become clear to me how to enter that rest. Do you see the connection?


Take time today to seek Him. For your sake & for your family.  Our children need to know  how to rest. We all know what it’s like to be “busy” & “overwhelmed.” But, let’s not just rid these from our vocabulary. Let’s rid it from our hearts & carry God’s rest with us everywhere, all the time. 

so full

i'm sitting here in the middle of several loads of laundry and i had to pause to take it all in.

as i just finished a mixed load and piled it on the floor, i sat down beside it & started folding. i pull out my husband's jeans from nordstrom, then my charlie's lightning mcqueen underwear from target, then my zekey's snowman fleece footie pjs from children's place, i was overtaken with such happiness. they are so amazing & different. different styles, different likes, different things that make them who they are.

earlier today, i looked at charlie, and i said, "i love you, my boy." he looked back at me and said with such sincerity, "i love you, my mommy."

later, i was sitting feeding sophia and she looked up and smiled at me. then i got a text from my charles saying, "love your beautiful face...daydreaming about it."

every mom needs days like this. it is God reaching into my world of usual-utter-beautiful-chaos and saying "i see you. you are important to me & to your family. i love you."

most days are like yesterday. i have a list several pages long of things i need to get done. the husband is at work. the children are rebelling against nap. after getting them calm, i sit to feed the overly tired, hungry baby girl fully expecting her to take a long delicious nap, but instead she falls asleep in my arms and cries every time i lay her down. after 2.5 hours & 8 tries, i'm utterly frustrated & then i hear my boys wake up. i didn't get a single thing done & then i remember the meat that i need to cook for dinner is still in the deep freezer. ug. by that time, baby girl is so exhausted, every time i set her down she screams like someone is hurting her, very badly. when i was at the last straw, my knight walked in the door and swept little girl into his arms and took her to the grocery store to complete one thing on my list for me.

that is what most days are like, for me. there is grace in them, but they are stretching & challenging. and, i have been so stretched lately that i barely have time to shower, let alone blog (that's where i have been).

then, there are days like this where every look from my children makes my eyes tear up with joy. they really are such gifts. i was entrusted with these four gorgeous faces, strong wills to shape, & little bodies to love until they explode with love on others.

our verse to memorize with the kids for this week is: revelation 4:11 "you are worthy, our Lord & God, to receive glory & honor & power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created & have their being." He is worthy. in my hardest moments when i think my soul is collapsing & in my highest moments. He created me, He knows me, He has me. and, He created these beautiful souls that look at me and call me 'mommy.' they make me who i am. i am what i am today because of them. they make me better. they make me stronger. they make me more loving. and, for that, i love them & Him all the more.

these moments of complete joy & satisfaction don't happen very much, especially in the midst of folding laundry. but, today, as in rains outside & i have coffee, and as i fold laundry, i couldn't be happier.