to know you

i think i've hit my capacity. yes, all things are possible in Christ. i could do more. but 5 "sweet" little voices yelling my name, pulling on me, fighting each other, needing help for 12 hours a day makes for a fairly full day. (never mind the fact that i actually need to cook for them, clean for them, and make sure they have clean things to wear...)

but...yet.

today i found myself wondering what it would be like to have more.  some people have asked me "are you a glutton for punishment?"  i would like to think that i'm a "glutton" for grace. there is nothing like being in the grace (of God, that is).  if you have never felt that, you need to. there is a help that is literally extraordinary (out of this world, extra-ordinary). most days...i struggle to find it. i get lost in the yells for fresh underwear and needing wiped and the spilled water (about 10 times a day...literally...it's my 2-year-old's favorite...to dump water on her head or the floor) and the baby's explorations into every drawer.  but, oh the grace. to find it (by looking for and to God in every situation)...there is nothing like it.

but, back to wanting more. why would i want more? besides the grace. besides the love i receive from them. what is it drawing me?

and then all of a sudden, as i was driving my oldest back from a performing arts camp, as she was rattling on and on about the production tonight, it hit me.  it's the amazing gift of knowing them.  the discovery of each of my children is unparalleled.

they are amazing souls. they are so different than me. i can see glimpses of me in each of them. but, they are so different. so incredible. so likable. so amazing.

when i actually take the time to really listen. when i look into their beautiful eyes and study their amazing features. when i hear their heart. listen through their tears. their souls are so beautiful and represent the God that made them so intricately and perfectly.

my oldest is lovable and cautious and so artistic in every way. she is compassionate and strong. she won't go down without a fight, but is the most tender of a flower.

the next boy is strong and loves boundaries.  he is not afraid to confront anyone who crosses into the territory of safety for his siblings. he stands for anything and everything he believes in, but he is pensive and kind and will give up what he wants for any one of his siblings. he opens his arms to his two year old sister as she backs her little hiney down onto his lap.

the most middle boy is always up for a joke. he has played jokes on the family before he could speak sentences. he giggles throughout movies. he laughs at his siblings. his smile is endearing and his eyes sparkle with light. he is so deep. his love is strong. and loves to be hugged as tight as possible as much as possible.

the baby once removed loves everything about life. anything she does is with full enthusiasm. she squeezes your neck tighter than anyone. yells louder than anything. jumps bigger, and skips higher. she looks at me and smiles so big she has to close her eyes..for simply no reason at all. and she does that all day. she loves fully and deeply.

and, the baby. he's tender. quiet. sweet. gentle. the look in his eyes is full of wisdom and trust.

so will we have more? probably not from this tired body. (i guess our God is the only one who fully knows.  maybe God will give us the gift of children birthed from another mama.)

but, the beauty of knowing your children is so worth all the work. the pain. the daily grind that i wonder if i will make it through...physically and mentally.

it's hard to stop to know them.  most days i don't remember to. but, i need to. they need to be known. and to know them is to know God.

judge away!

i have 5 people. five little people, but people none-the-less.

i often mislabel them. i call them "my children." now, don't get me wrong. they came out of my body. they are ck's and my responsibility. they all have the last name kiefer. they look like each other. but, they are not one group, they are five individuals.

they don't all like the same things.  they like different food. some enjoy being in large groups. some like being alone. some like the arts. some like puzzles. some like math. some like being the center of attention. some don't ever want any attention.

and, if you don't know, leading five people is hard. can you imagine five of your most different friends, different genders, different ages, with a few who couldn't express themselves in words,  all living together under one roof ALL the time?  super tough.

but, this is what all moms do all the time.

it doesn't matter how many you have. you have been gifted from God other humans to help develop. and, as they develop, you develop. they have to learn the world and you have to help them navigate it.

and, while i'm in the middle of the most difficult task of my life (helping these people grow), i have hundreds of onlookers. they watch EVERY decision i make:
-do i breastfeed or bottle-feed?
-do i schedule my babies or let them schedule themselves?
-what are they wearing?
-how early were they potty trained?
-do they eat vegetables well?
-do they talk back?
-what kind of schooling did we choose?
-why do we have five children?
-why are they so close together?
and on and on...

not only do people watch my decisions, but they have their opinions.  and, they SHARE their opinions. constantly. every day. i am always being judged.

it was so hard at the beginning. how can i meet everyone's expectations? such a pressure to be perfect.

but, perfect is not possible. only my God is perfect and i fall short. WAY short. every day.

i do the best i can to love my children, love my husband, and most of all love my God. and, they are who i am responsible to.

so...JUDGE AWAY.  it's ok. i know you don't know what its like. until you have five kids 7 years old and under.

and, i will never know what its like to walk in your shoes. to be married to your husband. to work your job. to lead and guide the little people with their unique personalities in your care.

so, instead of looking at what should be done differently, i want to tell you...mom, you are doing AWESOME!! you are rocking it. your children are alive, they are thriving, and you care. you get up early, you stay up late, you pick out outfits, you make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you clean toilets, you love your husband, you wash clothes, you change diapers, you sit for hours feeding your babies putting off all the other things that need to be done, you clean up spit up, you clean up throw up, you drive all around kingdom come spending lots of money so your children can kick and throw balls, dance, sing, and play with other little people, you sit in the bathroom waiting to hear a tinkle and cheer and jump around at even a drop, your body has been stretched in every way, you break up fights, clean marker off the wall, AND endure the judgments of others when your little people act they way THEY want instead of the way YOU want.  You are SIMPLY AMAZING!

on this mother's day weekend, as mom's let's make a pact:

We, as the leaders of our little people, won't be affected by the judgments of others (or get mad about it) and we will be the biggest cheerleaders for one another.  

We need each other. We don't need to compare or "one up" each other.  Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt. We need to hear that we are doing great.  Let's learn from each other and not tear each other down.  If you notice a mom doing something better than you, don't get insecure. Praise her and institute that in your family. If you see a mom doing something you would never do, pray for her and encourage her. We don't know what she is going through.

Are you in?

life is too hard to fight anyone--especially yourself.

so, here's to celebrating the best and most overworked leaders on the planets...Happy Mother's Day, awesome woman!

give me some glamour.

it struck me on the way home from the gym today. i was sitting in a minor puddle of sweat, smelling quite nasty, with my baby boy in his car seat snoring. i pulled into my parking space and needed a moment to breathe before i started in on the rigorous routine of the rest of the day. i pulled up Facebook and that's when it hit me.

women, so badly, want motherhood to be glamourous. we (including myself!) post pictures of everything: adorable children (see photo to the right...), neatly thought out crafted projects, meals that we made with or for our children or husband, nursery decorations, redesigning rooms, our newest organization projects. NONE of which are wrong, or bad to do, nor am i criticizing posting pictures of those activities. (in fact, i think it gives inspiration, hope, and ideas...at least it does to me, so keep posting, please.)

BUT...still. we want life to feel or be glamorous. "glamour," defined by good ole webster himself, "a very exciting and attractive quality." now really, moms, is anything about our job glamourous?

when i was single, everything about being married and a mom seemed very exciting and attractive. husband beside you laughing and dancing your way through life while bringing children into the world and along your path with you. now, don't get me wrong. before i was married, i knew there would be challenges, hard times, and struggles.

but, i never thought through the details of what those challenges may be.

i never knew that almost daily i would get poop on my fingers while changing countless diapers. i never knew that i would go years without sleeping through the night once (and many nights never sleeping more than an hour consecutively). i never thought through the fact that my body would be completely stretched and pulled from the inside and outside. i never thought i would hear audible gasps when i walked through a public place as people counted my 5 children (that we chose to have) and would then walk over to us and ask "are they all yours??" (ps-the other day, the oldest said the me "mom, i wish people would stop commenting on how many children are in our family. why do they do that?")

the things i never knew...

and, that was on purpose, i'm sure. tricked into a life that isn't glamourous.

i could have had a "glamourous" life. but, instead, i decided to be a mom.

but, truthfully, between you and me...glamour is overrated. its an illusion. i'm reminded of the recent tragedy of philip seymour hoffman.  someone who seemingly had a "glamorous" life--numerous acting awards, beautiful girlfriend, children, money. and, it ended alone overdosed with a needle still in his arm. so, so tragic.

nothing about motherhood is glamourous.

EXCEPT one thing: we are shaping little lives that will impact many, maybe even thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions. nelson mandela's mom probably didn't know what raising lil nelson would mean for the nation or for the world.

if "glamour" is defined as "a very exciting" quality, then, honestly, i have a lot of glamour. what could be more exciting than shaping and influencing 5 lives that will literally change their world?

was feeling pretty crushed. hmm...

i've wondered about something.  and, i'm getting more and more convinced it happens. i have this theory that my sweet foursome once in awhile get together and make a plot deciding they will take shifts and run mom as hard as they can and then lay low while another one takes over.

having four little ones, i very rarely have an easy day. daily food messes, breaking up sibling fights, injuries, etc. but, there are some days, its taken to a whole different level. they've been going strong for two days now.

now, my children really are amazing (what mom doesn't think that about their own children, really?). but, like my charlie will often pick up his room (i mean spotless) and make his bed without me ever asking him. he just surprises me with it.  and, my first darling, daily makes me gorgeous gifts even elaborate picture books. they often play well together and are fairly agreeable (usually).

BUT...in the last two days, i don't know if anyone has done anything i asked (the first or fourth time). it has felt as though i don't exist. i will say something to one of them, they acknowledge they heard me, and within seconds (!!) they forget (or refuse).  i have been yelled at, hit, things have been thrown at me, doors have been slammed, pooped on (this was not out of rebellion), unhappy about dinner, unhappy about snack, unhappy that another is unhappy, unhappy that  another is happy, mad that someone is playing with their toy, mad that someone is playing with someone else's toy, blah, blah...i'm tired just typing about it.

for example, tonight one of my sons yelled in the other's face as loud as possible to make the other one mad. the other one laughed at him which made the other one more mad so louder yelling which made the other laugh harder and on and on it went. of course, i was feeding the tiny one trying to put her to bed so i couldn't do anything about it and the amazing husband was cleaning the kitchen and making pj rounds and was oblivious to it.

on the way home from dance and tae kwon do tonight, they were doing all they could do to aggravate each other. and they both were succeeding. since i was driving, i decided to try a new tactic. i would turn off their kid music, turn on worship music and the louder they got, the louder i turned up the music. it kept me calm and got my point across. :)

all of this to say...as a mother the last two days, i have been pressed. pressed so hard i didn't think there was anything left. but this afternoon, i knew i had no more natural strength. i could not do it without intervention. "my children have to CHANGE!" but, i know its not about them. it never is. (i mean they do need to act like decent little human beings and not crazy people.) but, these scenarios are always about me.

who will i lean on? who will i trust? me? charles? or God? i usually try the first two first. then i get it. my oprah-aha-moment (which i should have learned by now): lean on God. trust Him. as i began to do that, the craziness of my children didn't seem nearly as crazy. the pressure on the outside was nothing that could compare to the power i can tap into on the inside when i trust in and lean on God.

as a high school and college student, i dealt a lot with anxiety. i started regularly singing a song that became a place of worship and rest for me then. and, now, whenever i am pressed, it just comes out. tonight as i was putting Sophia to bed, i started singing it out of habit and, as i listened to the words coming out of my mouth, a new strength and resolve came:

when peace like a river attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll,

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

"it is well, it is well with my soul"

it is well, it is well

with my soul, with my soul

it is well, it is well with my soul!

it is well. so, "i am pressed but not crushed...so that his [Jesus'] life may be revealed in my mortal body." (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

not fun. not what i want. but, Jesus, reveal yourself through me. to those who see me and especially to my children.

here's a thought: maybe i'm pressed by them so that they may possibly see Christ revealed. 

dumb & dumber, but grateful

well, it was a dumb-mommy day. sometimes i just have those days. i thought i was going to be brilliant, but, well, not so much.

i love to celebrate. anything. anyone. any occasion. so, i thought "since mylie finished her first "week" of kindergarten we can get chick-fil-a and ice cream after we pick her up! this will be so fun!"

after driving 25 min to pick her up and wait 10 min in the carpool line, my boys' patience was running out. so i parked and ran over and grabbed mylie. mylie had a great day, but was so tired and hungry. as soon as i opened the van door, the boys thought it would be funny to call her "chicken legs" (a name no one has ever said before) but i think they got it from us talking about going to "chick-fil-a."

so, she overreacts out of tiredness which makes charlie want to do it more (this is a fairly common pattern in our house). by the time we are 2 minutes down the road, he is laughing hysterically saying very random things with zeke putting in his two cents and mylie is in tears.

i wonder if i should abandon my plan, but not only would that invoke hysterical crying from all 3, they would have to ride another 20 minutes and starving and its already 12:45.

so, i pull into cfa and the drive thru line is sooooo long. but, i'm not dragging all 4 kids in and the way the drive-thru line is situated, i'm committed. when i finally get up to the window, the drive-thru lady says "oh, no! who's crying?" b/c all 3 were crying very loudly. "everyone." i said with a sigh. "i'll hurry!" she said. i appreciated her kindness and she made sure they all got a toy that they didn't have at home.

we pull out of there, maneuver through lunch-time triangle traffic across the street to Goodberry's (super yummy custard). by this time, its 1:00pm and almost nap time. i know this could turn into a bigger disaster but remind myself that we are all together, healthy, and nothing is really wrong.

i unload all 4 at goodberry's with all our food, drinks, stroller, etc. get across the parking lot (which is quite a task with a baby, toddler, and the massive amounts of food i had.) we find a table with an umbrella.

3 of the seats were in the shade so i position the 3 oldest there and sit down on the sunny stool. but, not thinking that since they were black, it was going to be hot. so i burned my bum. and no matter what i sat on, it still burned through. the WHOLE time. (but, i wasn't about to move all the kids and food somewhere else). so i just sat with a burning hot bum.

we get through most our lunch me trying to help everyone eat as they drip polynesian everywhere and wipe it on my skirt. and spill chocolate milk. while i try to feed sophia and myself. but as the food goes in, they start to get happy. they are loving life.

and, i'm reminded of the book i'm reading a thousand gifts--enjoying life is really about being grateful. living in every moment instead of trying to rush everyone along to the next thing because of our agenda. they are happy. that's all that matters.

i still feel a little strained as we leave lunch because zeke is overheated with a beet red face, charlie's stomach hurts (b/c goodberry's smallest serving is still huge), and mylie has chocolate all over her white uniform.

but, as i load everyone and everything into the car, i remind myself again: i have 4 beautiful children who love me with all their heart. they are precious and happy and full of life. they teach me so much about how to love life.

so we use half a pack of wipes to clean our faces, hands, legs, and hair and get in the car.

everyone is happy and singing on the way home. now everyone is tucked in for their nap.

so maybe my idea was not the best on such a hot day being alone without another adult. lesson learned.

but i know without a doubt: my life is messy. and very good. and i'm grateful for both. and, i'm learning how to celebrate both. here's to the messy and the gratitude we can still have in the middle of it!

to the girl who made me a mommy

To my Mylie Grace.

Born July 28, 2006 at 11:57pm. You are the beautiful fair-skinned, strawberry-blonde 6 lb.  13 oz baby girl who entered the world 10 days early to a highly anticipatory mommy (who was determined to have you before midnight on an even day...i know...i'm a weird one).

We named you Mylie Grace because of its meaning "Forgiving Grace." Forgiving Undeserved Favor.  We didn't know when we decided on your name how much we would need you.

Your daddy reminds me of the time he was going through a really rough time. You were laying on the couch and he was down on his knees beside the couch. After praying and crying, he got up and as soon as you saw him you burst into the most contagious giggles ever. God knew we needed you. You continue to light up our days.

As a baby, everyone always called you "Smiley Face" instead of "Mylie Grace." You were so happy. So full of joy. So full of life. You still are. Life to the full!

And, an awesome sleeper. At 8 weeks, you started sleeping 12 hours through the night and never turned back. Our friends called you our college sleeper. You would sleep 14 hours a night and then take a 3 hour nap. You spoiled us as parents. :)

You are the beautiful girl that made me a mommy. You changed my name from "Tiffany" to "Mama." That is a name that I adore more than any other.

You are sensitive, kind, funny, dramatic, beautiful, thoughtful, creative, and the most beautiful ballerina I ever laid eyes on.

You are Mylie and you are God's gift to me.

Happy 6th birthday, my baby.

To Conclude, six beautiful things that I love about you:
1. I love how, ever since you were a tiny baby, you flap your arms and legs whenever you are excited about something. I love that you still do it.

2. I love that your are cautious until you are sure, and then you are unstoppable.

3. I love that you love your brothers & sister, but that you love Charlie as your best friend and lean on him like a brother.

4. I love that you love desserts and hot dogs just as much as I do.

5. I love that, for you, a shower is not complete until you have sung "singing in the rain."

6. I love that you trust your daddy more than any other human.

You are an amazing girl. I just love you.

the Jesus-loves-ME bed

this has been quite a season. for the last days, well months actually, i have had quite a weariness in my soul. you know, where you just are empty.

don't get me wrong. i LOVE my life. i am totally & completely infatuated with my children. i couldn't have asked for a more loving, serving, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly good-looking husband. love my house, love our jobs, love our extended family, have amazing friends.

but, lately, i just am empty. i have been uptight for way too long and it has worn me out. i came into this season of life trying really hard to be perfect. before being married (since middle school), i always had to be wearing the perfect outfit. i tried to keep a perfect house. i loved trying to make perfect meals.  i maintained a near perfect body. i just wanted to be perfect. i wasn't really leaning on the Lord very much. i loved Him, just didn't lean on Him.

i brought all of that into marriage. i was able to keep things pretty perfect for awhile, but with each new child, the challenges got deeper and my perfect world was cracked. nothing was wrong with it, it just is far from perfect.

these days, come to my house and most days you will find crumbs on and under our table. sometimes laundry sits in the dryer for days. i often have dirty dishes in the sink. and, many nights we eat something only semi-homemade (thanks sandra lee for making this acceptable) when i wish everything was completely homemade.

so, yes, lately...i've been running on empty.

shift gears slightly.

a couple of months ago i was sitting feeding sophia and i started thinking about our bedroom. we have ck's grandparents furniture and the queen-sized bed i was given in college. i'm very grateful for all we have. but, as i was thinking about our room, i just wished for a new bed that felt nice to escape to.

it was just a quiet wish...not even a prayer. i didn't tell anyone. i kind of felt like i wasn't supposed to tell even charles about my secret wish.

later THAT day, i was at a meeting and i overheard my husband talking to our friend.  he said something like "yeah. thanks anyway. we have a queen-sized bed." i asked him what he was talking about.  "oh, they are getting a new bed and they have a king sized bed they were offering us..."

"WHAT??!! i was just thinking about wanting a new one earlier this morning! kinda talking to God, but not really praying, that i would like one!"

and, so...we got a gorgeous king-sized bed, with Ann Gish bedding and an amazing brand new stearns & foster pillow top mattress all given to us.  i was so amazed at how God lavished his love on me.

but, to take it even deeper.

yesterday, i was making our bed, thanking God for it. (we got it a couple of months ago, but i'm still so grateful.) and it hit me. how profound. at the time that i needed to feel God's love for me the most, he gave me this bed with this gorgeous bedding.

and, every night i am able to sink into, rest, and be wrapped up in God's love for me in a very practical way.

don't tell me God isn't tangible. he's lavish and very near. and it brings a joy to my soul. my heart smiles in a way that it hasn't in awhile.

i'm loved and i can rest in that.